You've Got a Baby

A baby born in a digital age, from a New Dad's Perspective.

There are many types of lettuce. Iceberg, Romaine, Little Gem, Rocket, to name a few. I tell you this because at some point during pregnancy, some woman on Instagram is going to tell you your baby is the size of a lettuce and you're not going to know what the hell she's talking about.

Our baby was big. Pretty sure he started out the size of a pineapple and by the time he was 9 months in the womb he was the size of the Pineapple Tower in Abu Dhabi.

Here's some things that happen when you're cooking up a brand new baby.

Tinder for Baby Names

There are apps out there where you get to swipe left or right depending on whether you like a potential baby name. If you dislike a name - for example, Roger - you swipe left, and nobody ever mentions it again.

If you swipe right, which means you 'like' a name, you need to be very careful.

Say if you swiped right on the name 'Tanner' because it seemed like fun, if your wife does the same, she may instantly be set on this name -- forever. Suddenly you're stuck with a baby called Tanner. Also, if you were determined to give him the middle name of your favourite uncle, Timmy - you may find that your innocent night of swiping has now led to your son being named Tanner Timmy Thompson.

Instagram Parenting

Gone are the days when your timeline filled with football memes and inspirational gym guys. Now, your algorithm gives you a woman called Amanda who calls herself a Doula.

She'll give advice but she'll paint it as gospel. She'll say things like "Never EVER feed your baby when standing near a window. Feed them only by a wall when sitting on a small chair, otherwise you'll give them ADHD."

You'll find out that everything in existence is bad for your child.

The trouble is, your algorithm is completely different to your partner’s. Your algorithm says children must only be outdoors after 5pm because of sun exposure, and your partner's algorithm will be adamant that all children should be left outside permanently they turn 7 years old, to learn resilience.

A couple of months ago, we went to a 2 week intensive NCT class. The woman running the course had a plan to teach us everything, like First Aid, breastfeeding, changing dirty nappies -- she never got to any of these things because she had to spend the whole time telling us "no, what they're saying on Instagram is wrong, stop taking advice from Instagram."

Take in all the wisdom you can, but remember that most advice is incorrect, especially if it's on the internet.

Books and Entertainment for When You're in Labour.

Assuming everything is going well, or perhaps you have an induction booked; you'll find yourself very relaxed, for at least seven minutes. One of you has downloaded the entire back catalogue of 'Law and Order,' and the other has decided now is the time to finally read that tacky James Patterson novel.

But then minute 8 arrives and you find out your baby is doing cartwheels in the womb, meanwhile the midwife has identified 17 risk factors, and any chance of you focusing on light entertainment has vanished and may now never return.

You may find yourself thinking "when all this calms down, I'll dive into that book." You definitely won't.

Music to calm the birthing Mother.

She's going to think she wants to listen to Ed Sheeran and you should know that definitely won't be the case on the day. It won't be classical music either.

In fact there's no music that actually works because nobody has yet created music that is encouraging-but-not-distracting, while being peaceful-but-not-depressing, yet uplifting-but-not-annoying.

Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash

Texting / WhatsApp / iMessage

Congratulations, your baby is now born. Therefore texting people back is now near impossible.

Less wise people will say "you have no time anymore," which is kind of true but what really happens is that a new life in your life changes how time actually works.

"Tom sent me a text this morning," you’ll tell your wife, even though he actually text you three days previous. Around the time of birth you learn that three days and one day are both exactly the same. And you'll be saying things like “why are Manchester United playing at 4am on a Friday?” At this point, everyone around you confirms it is actually 3pm on Saturday, but you definitely won't believe them.

Whatever your friend has text you during the birthing period, you'll forget. He may have told you that his entire family and four best friends were killed in a skiing accident, but you won't respond because you'll have forgotten everything before you finish reading his message.

Be sure to reread before you finally respond, just in case you write a vague reply based on what you THINK he said, like saying "Hey Tom, have a great ski trip!"

You also have to remember that, as much as your family love the new baby, they probably don't need as many pictures as you're sending them.

But you'll still send them anyway.